George Walker Bush (born 1946) is a failed American businessman who later became a politician. He is best known for his two terms as President of the United States, an office to which he was appointed by activist judges.

Early life

George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut. He is the son of former President George Herbert Walker Bush and Barbara Pierce Bush, a descendent of President Franklin Pierce. When he was two years old, his family moved to Texas to rub oil all over themselves.

As a child, Bush enjoyed torturing small animals. In May of 2000, his childhood friend Terry Throckmorton told the New York Times, "We were terrible to animals." The Times' Nicholas Kristof reported, "A dip behind the Bush home turned into a small lake after a good rain, and thousands of frogs would come out. 'We'd shoot them, put firecrackers in them, and blow them up,' Mr. Throckmorton recalled, laughing." They were liberating frogs. They tried diplomacy first, but there are some frogs who hate us, because they hate freedom.

According to legend, when Bush was a small boy, his father presented him with a hatchet, one of the axes of evil. The child loved his new toy, and was always hacking away at plants, animals, healthcare. In fact, he carried it around so much that soon the neighbors began referring to him as "that crazy little shit with the axe." One day, some Saudi Arabian terrorists came to visit. George's father offered them some coffee, and a muffin, and some Stinger anti-aircraft missiles. And then they all decided to plant an olive tree. The tree grew into a beautiful symbol of peace, but eventually it met the blade of young George W. Bush's little hatchet. When his father discovered the fallen tree, he asked his son, "George, did you chop down my olive tree?" And the child replied, "Father, I cannot tell the truth. That tree recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

At Andover, the teenage Bush distinguished himself by organizing a stickball league, and also serving as the school's head cheerleader. He was admitted to Yale on the basis of family legacy; his father and grandfather, Senator Prescott Bush, had gone there. In fact, had George W. Bush ever visited the Yale Library during his time there, he would have discovered that an entire wing of the building was designated the Prescott Walker Bush Memorial Wing. As head of Delta Kappa Epsilon, Bush instituted a hazing ritual wherein pledges were branded just above the anus with a hot clothes hanger. He had a C-average, but he often got D’s in political science and economics. He was in the 21st percentile of his class.

Political career

In the 1970s, after bravely not serving in the Texas Air National Guard, Bush spent some years failing in the oil business. Still, it must be said that he did not rely on the Bush family’s money, relying instead on the bin Laden family's money. He then attended Harvard Business School, where he scored low on tests, high on cocaine. Soon, he was back in Texas, where he spent many a long night of the soul, driving into things. This was a bitter time for George W. Bush, but it led to the most important chapter in his career. Realizing that all he'd ever been good at was abusing power and causing pain, he decided to go into politics. Around this time, he met his soulmate, who would become his closest advisor. He also met a young woman named Laura Welch, with whom he would also spend time.

Bush worked on his father's failed re-election campaign, assisting with outreach to the evangelical community, and advocating the use of the infamous, racist "Willie Horton ad." He then returned to Texas, where he lost a bid for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, and settled for a seat in a baseball stadium. On the strength of this towering achievement, in 1994 he was elected Governor of Texas. He established himself as an overachiever, executing more people than any other governor in U.S. history.

Illegitimate presidency

In 1998, President Clinton tried to retaliate against Osama bin Laden for the bombing of our embassies in Africa. But Congressional Republicans saw that Clinton's plan to disable al Qaeda was actually a shrewd partisan maneuver, designed to distract the public from the true national emergency of oral sex. Despite the efforts of the right, Americans enjoyed eight years of relative peace and prosperity. Determined to change this, a cabal of devious criminal minds assembled in Washington. They called themselves the Project for the New American Century (Peenack). In September of 2000, they published "Rebuilding America's Defenses," a radical blueprint for world domination through military force. But in order to put their plan into action, the men of Peenack knew that they needed "a new Pearl Harbor." Peenack -- whose membership included Dick Cheney, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald Rumsfeld, and Jeb Bush -- supported George W. Bush when he ran for president in 2000. Bush won the Republican nomination after destroying frontrunner John McCain through push polls and direct mail campaigns. Dick Cheney, appointed by Peenack to find Bush a running mate, found himself.

Appointed to the presidency in an unprecedented judicial coup d’etat, George W. Bush had occupied the White House for less than a year when Peenack's dream came true. Opinions differ as to whether Bush has merely presided over the worst intelligence failures in American history, or whether he is the worst intelligence failure in American history. Either way, Bush often said that knew in his heart that God wanted him to be president. There were bigger frogs to torture. Nine days after the attacks, he unveiled his new "National Security Strategy" -- Peenack's document, "Rebuilding America's Defenses," copied over in crayon. Along with the new Patriot Act, and a swath of Republican wedge-issue legislation, it established a new American order. Unilateral preemptive war, warrantless domestic surveillance, and the rendition and toreture of detainees would be among the hallmarks of this brave vision. The Bush regime was also noted for its alliance with such media outlets as Fox News. Thanks to their ability to, as Bush once put it, "catapult the propaganda," a majority of Bush voters went to the polls in 2004 honestly believing that Saddam Hussein had had weapons of mass destruction, that he played a role in the 9/11 attacks, and that John Kerry was a gay spy from France. 

References

The material in this article is adapted from Burning Bush: A Faith-Based Musical. For references, please see "Burning Bush Notes and Sources" (Word document with links).

See also

• Burning Bush: A Faith-Based Musical
• Moral Value Meal
• Life After Bush
• Laura Welch Bush
• Dick Cheney
• Donald Rumsfeld
• Homeless Veterans for Bush

Photograph: Brian Louis Hoffman as George W. Bush